He was all excited about the thought of me writing this because of the effect it would have on certain people. He said it would be perfect.

He knew. He not only knew how twistedly appropriate it would be for me to be writing this but he also knew exactly what a compliment he was paying me by asking me to write it and conversely how galling it was that I was eager to do it. Aaron is one of the most perceptive people I know.

So he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew and so on. That's how most of my conversations with Aaron could be characterised: we're constantly running through this dance of one-up-manship.

Did I say conversations? Yes, Aaron phones me. I'll try to explain... I'll be sitting at home, the phone will ring, I'll pick it up and suddenly I'll hear his voice saying, "Hey." I probably can't find anything to explain exactly how momentous that is to me. It would be like... like... like picking up the phone and the voice on the other end saying, "Hey, this is Leonardo DiCaprio." It finally hit me recently when talking to someone who knows of Aaron and I just oh-so-casually manage to fit in, "Oh yeah, he called about an hour ago."

[Can you hear that pin drop?]

Or even better, I was talking with someone who thought Aaron was a myth... ah yes, the legendary A3... and I was quick to assure him that no, we'd just talked the night before. Here I am *bragging* about having this... celebrity talking to me. It's just insane. Aaron is Aaron is Aaron... except for me, he's not "just Aaron." He's an archetype. He's an ideal. He's a dream. Yes... it's Super-Aaron! *grin*

I take comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one who's enamoured of Aaron... at least, I did, until he told me he loved me.

You *what* me?

The daze cleared quickly when I realised that Aaron's love isn't *quite* as exclusive as one normally thinks of love. I think I'm 6 of 6... Mike, Jacen, Eric, Marshall, Graydon, and finally Kalev. That guy from Vancouver. What mortal dares hope for the love of a god? Must be something about guys from Toronto....

[In case anyone was wondering, the hero-worship elements are my revenge for being forced to write this.]

I've given up trying to figure out why Aaron appeals to so many people. I only care about why *I* feel the way I do about him.

If I had been about four years younger and in high school with Aaron, I know exactly how I would have felt about him. He would have been one of the popular, daredevil cute guys who I hated with a passion for being everything I thought I wasn't and who I secretly lusted after at night when I was all alone in my head... and my bed. *grin* But by the time I met Aaron, I wasn't in high school. I wasn't a social wallflower anymore and he wasn't standing on the other side of a chasm I'd thought insurmountable. So what do I think of Aaron? The honest truth?

Aaron is someone desperate for love. That explains Mike, Jacen, Graydon, Marshall, the whole TripleA thing... it even explains me. It explains why he needs me, someone who should hate him for all he represents and pretends to represent and for all the lies he tells to avoid telling the truth. The truth is that Aaron Aubrey Audette, the most cocky, know-it-all, outrageous, together, capable person to grace our lives, is a fragile, beautiful, sensitive and very frightened boy who for whatever reasons needed to take care of himself in a world not terribly welcoming no matter what kind of spoon you were born with in your mouth.

And the amazing thing is, look at how fucking full of love he is! Six people... and who knows how many other friends. Or how many acts of generosity.

Once upon a time, I sent Aaron what he deemed the most important letter he'd ever received. Did he know how honoured I was to have that letter up on his pages? You bet. Did I know why it was important then? Not a chance.

A few months ago, Aaron returned the favour. He sent me the most hurtful and humiliating letter I've ever received. I've never ever read something so purposefully designed to hurt the recipient. Why? Why *what*? Why am I gushing about some guy who hurt me? Why am I writing this in the first place? Why do I care what Aaron thinks or feels?

The revealing question is, "Why did he send it?" And the very simple answer is he sent it because I had said some rather minor less-than-complimentary things about him to some people we both know and what I'd said had gotten back to him. Aaron, in true eye-for-an-eye fashion, was getting back at me.

The thing is, you don't have anger and displays of cruelty like that unless there's pain behind it, and you can't feel pain that deep unless you're more vulnerable than you're letting on. I know it's twisted to recognise how much someone cares about you by how much they try to hurt you. I mean, I know Aaron loves me because of how hurt he was by something I said, something pretty minor compared to what some people have said about him. Yes, it's twisted... but not in a bad way. In that *perfect* way. In that way you realise life is, muddled and senseless and bittersweet and so full of joy, so incomprehensible that you have to love it. That you have to love him.

I spent a big part of my life growing up feeling alone, outcast, and rejected. I love Aaron because he makes me feel special, pure and simple. I'm special to him and he is more special to me than he'll ever likely realise. But I hope he does realise it, one day, realises exactly how much love he not only has but also how much love he deserves. And I hope it brings him peace.

So, Aaron, you know that I know that you know that I love you... but I'll say it plain. I love you. And I regret not hopping on a plane and going to Mexico with you a lifetime ago. *smile*